The Agony of Love!

On October the 25th I walked out of Shawnee Mission Hospital with a little blue box that held all that was and all that would ever be of my son, Hosanna. I made my way to the car, tears rolling down my cheeks, my heart breaking more and more with every step. I noticed a new father embracing his newly born son, radiating with joy and hope at what was in store for him and his son. And it was at that moment that my heart could take the pain no longer. It cried out to God as loud as it could, "Why Father?" I wept and I prayed. It had felt as though part of me had been ripped out and had been taken forever, leaving me with this gaping hole of pain and sadness with no hope of comfort. I longed for my son. I ached to hear him cry, to see him smile, to hear him laugh, to see him take his first step and I knew that that day would never come. I wanted to see his eyes, to know what color they were. I wanted to comfort him and to love him. I regretted not having sung to him more while he grew in Amber's womb. I regretted not having spent more time with him. The pain of having taken life for granted had become my own. It was in this place of utter brokenness that the Lord began to speak to me and heal my heart. On the night of the 25th the Father put His arm around me and spoke to me this devotion which was written in exposition of Ruth 2:3.
"She gleaned in the field after the reapers: and her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz, who was of the kindred of Elimelech."

"Her hap was. Yes, it seemed nothing but an accident, but how divinely was it overruled! Ruth had gone forth with her mother's God, to humble but honorable toil, and the providence of God was guiding her every step. Little did she know that amid the sheaves she would find a husband, that he should make her the joint owner of all those broad acres, and that she a poor foreigner should become one of the progenitors of the great Messiah. God is very good to those who trust in Him, and often surprises them with unlooked for blessings. Little do we know what may happen to us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may cheer us, that no good thing shall be withheld. Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today or tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance. O Lord, deal as graciously with Thy servants as Thou didst with Ruth.

How blessed would it be, if, in wandering in the field of meditation tonight, our hap should be to light upon the place where our next Kinsman will reveal Himself to us! O Spirit of God, guide us to Him. We would sooner glean in His field than bear away the whole harvest from any other. O for the footsteps of His flock, which may conduct us to the green pastures where He dwells! This is a weary world when Jesus is away – we could better do without sun and moon than without Him – but how divinely fair all things become in the glory of His presence! Our souls know the virtue which dwells in Jesus, and can never be content without Him. We will wait in prayer this night until our hap shall be to light on a part of the field belonging to Jesus wherein He will manifest Himself to us."

He reminded me that life does not consist of this current existence alone but that true life is that which shall endure forever. He encouraged me again to fix my eyes upon that which shall never fade and upon Himself who loves unrelentingly. I still long to know my other son but his life is a continual reminder to me of the fragility of this life and of the importance of living for something greater than that which shall surely whither and decay. I shall see you soon my son and there our eyes shall never close again.